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So we go through life as youngsters and do what we’re told to do to make it in life. Then suddenly, life arrives!! You’re an adult, adulting in a world you know nothing about except the bare minimum of necessities in the core subjects that actually apply to daily life. Nothing is how you planned it, you feel stuck in rot or a pothole or maybe a deep dark pot and suddenly you realize….I can only count on me, I am not who I thought I was, this isn’t what I wanted for my life, something needs to change, I’M GOING INSANE!!!

This is where Lifeline comes in. See, I was forced to do my first Lifeline at the tender age of 22 by a judge who was tired of the revolving door of addiction at the county jail and decided she wanted to send a message and she was going to use me to do it. So after never having even been in county lock-up before, I was suddenly sentenced to 2-4 years in the state penitentiary!!! The parole officers in attendance couldn’t hide their shock as their jaws dropped; and my parents (who were told if they turned me in would teach me a lesson) looked green in the face as they realized they’d spend the next 2-4 years raising my daughter. I was in shock. All the “experienced convicts” had assured me I would get time served. I had quite the mental and emotional adjustment ahead. And one of the main reasons to send me there? It’s the only place they offer a 6 month intensive therapeutic community for addicts. (We’ll touch on my feelings about filling prisons with addicts on another day).

I remember the ride from county to state. The first stop being Muncy, a high security women’s prison where you remain on lockdown except for meals and yard time. This is where they assessed you to determine if you’d stay there, or if you were lower security risk and could be transferred to Cambridge Springs. Unfortunately for me this was quite the trip for my family to make. I did get transferred though and that first glorious day that I could walk outdoors on campus without cuffs and a cigarette legally hanging out of my mouth was one of my first great experiences. The other inmates were much nicer too. One of the First Ladies who spoke to me asked, “what did you do, Rob a flower shop?” Eventually I became known as Barbie or Chula, depending on the crowd. It took me about 6 months to get into the therapeutic community and we started our Lifeline therapy about half way in. Basically, our assignment (as a small group) was to each write a summary of our significant memories from our first one to our most recent one. Then, as we shared them with our trusted group members and counselor, we received feedback about how we remembered it, how the event affected is based on our age and developmental stage, how it shaped our familial relationships and life relationships, and how it had an impact on our current state of being. It was about our human experience up to that point and how the absence of emotional IQ and basic everyday living skills in our upbringings may have set us up for failure. However, you learn to identify, process, forgive, and separate your strengths from your weaknesses so you can use both for success instead of failure.

I will not lie and say that any part of that 6 months was easy. It was the hardest bravest thing I ever did…not God I learned so much about myself, my life, my abilities, the lies I told myself, and the truths I ignored. I walked out of this program knowing myself a thousand times better, feeling incredibly more confident, and feeling hopeful about my future despite my mistakes. I learned that no matter how bad it gets or desperate it seems, that feeling doesn’t last forever and there are valuable lessons just waiting to be learned. You may not be who you think you are! And let me tell you, who you are will continue to change and evolve as each day passes and each experience leaves its print on us. You CAN be or do whatever you want, you just have to be willing to look within and listen.

I’m going to share my lifeline with you because:

• Maybe you’re going through a similar experience and it helps not to feel so alone.
• My mistakes may save someone else from making the same.
• If we don’t tell our true story to the coming generations we won’t evolve and grow as a species
• My children can look back and learn more about me someday if they so choose
• I want you too to finish your Lifeline and meet the REAL, me and improved, better prepared for life version of you by offering Lifeline therapy to any of you out there feeling totally stuck and confused about who what and where you are.

I tried to decide exactly where I’d start my lifeline but I recently realized it made sense to go in both directions. To understand who I am today, you’ll need to know who I was yesterday. And for me to continue to process my life experiences, there is so much that I need to continue to process as the days pass by. If nothing else, you’ve found yourself a good story that has it all, and I truly mean ALL. I’ll keep you guessing, that’s a promise. And I have so much to pass along that may come in handy someday. So stick around and keep reading. Read forward, read backwards, read both and don’t skip the resources!! I’m excited for us to meet me!