So these stories are my very personal memories, some of them recent and some of them from long ago, but they’re all important because they’re part of a sequence of life events, human choices, and human consequences…and they’re all, as a whole, what makes me who and what I am.

This blog and service is something I’ve been wanting to do for more than 8 years, but there was always something else going on,I was too busy,I didn’t know where to start. Over the years the idea itself evolved and changed but I think deep down I was just afraid to really face all of those life events all over again and in front of the world. Good thing my life fell apart again!

See things were going great, had a great job, got the nice house, had the awesome husband and kids (mostly😏). However it was the start of the pandemic, we were dealing with MAGA drama and anxieties were higher than usual (plus our bank account was a little fuller). It wasn’t long before my husband learned that his friend at work dealt in party favors on the side. So we spent all most every weekend for far too long doing my husband’s favorite favor. I didn’t mind doing it with him because we talked on deeper levels and the sex was amazing. He was also supposed to be a friend. My husband worked with him daily for like 10 years, he’d been to our house, made special meals for my husband, me husband helped him get a few jobs, and I’d run into him at the grocery store and we’d talk for a brief period. So when we finally bought our dream house we promised each other no matter what life brought, we wouldn’t lose it. We’re ask his friend for work if it ever came down to it.

Well, we weren’t losing our house but our recent habit ate up our extra funds. You’ll learn about me that I have a special needs daughter. She has Down syndrome and is severely autistic. She’s 14, non-verbal, and still in diapers. There are some things I struggle to do anymore and my husband has has to take over duties. Mostly just bath time, but occasional other circumstances too. I was watching him dealing with one of her more difficult behavioral periods and witnessed his stress level skyrocket. I was genuinely worried that he was going to have a stroke or heart attack and I felt bad I couldn’t take more stress from him. I came up with this idea to try to earn some extra money on the side to take him on a trip over a long weekend, no kids, to de stress and regroup. At the same time, I had promised my son we’d take he and and some friends on a trip for his birthday and I didn’t want to let him down. So my first thought, see if I can do anything to help ales, he has extra money and isn’t married. So I reached out and told him my plans and asked if i could help with things like grocery runs, house cleaning, help with his electronics, etc. He kept asking what I was “really” trying to do and I kept repeating the same thing. Finally he told me to stop by. That day I was sexually assaulted by my husband’s friend and I tried to just walk away from it and forget it because I didn’t want to cause anyone else pain, but I wasn’t dealing well, as this all happened shortly before my sons death anniversary. So I decided to go to my husband for support.

Did that mother sucker give me a hug? NO! Did he ask if I was ok or tell me how short he was that I was hurt? NO! Instead, my husband and best friend of 19 years blamed me for losing a friend and asked me who he was supposed to get his drugs from now? ……………..

……….I didn’t handle that reaction well. I also didn’t handle the subsequent passive aggressive assault by my husband over the next week, making comments when I’d walk by about not knowing what he’d do if for some reason he ever lost his buddy at work. At the same time my oldest left the nest and moved 2 hours away. I’m also working an emotionally challenging full time job and we’re all trying to navigate everyone getting sick with Covid and quarantines and…. Well it just seems to go on and on and on. Me, personally, I was grateful we wouldn’t be spending any more money on that favor at least. But I relapsed. Relapse is a thing that happens with addicts who are in recovery but get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or hurt. My husband found out I relapsed and now because I wasn’t there to support him when he needed emotional support, and because I ran to male persons house when he told me to leave, I’ve also now cheated in his mind and have finally destroyed our relationship of 19 years. 🤷‍♀️

So note we’re “separated and done” while living in the same house but separate bedrooms because he needs his space and needs to figure out who he his. He still smokes weed(from the “friend”) I’m taking medications for depression and anxiety and smoke weed from time to time but I was able to climb back on the wagon before too long thankfully.

Now I’m supposed to give him space but still listen to what he tells me to do. His recent attempt at extreme narcissism has actually amused me quite a bit lately. I laugh out loud at a lot of the stuff he says or insists is true. Nineteen fucking years and four kids later. Pffffft, duck you! Your loss (I recently decided)😘

Why is this significant at this point in my life? Well in case you missed it I was assaulted and didn’t receive comfort from my husband. Instead I received blame and spite which REALLY affected me emotionally. This isn’t my first sexual assault and this is the age in women when past traumas tend to work to the surface. For an addict that can be especially dangerous if you don’t have the proper support. It’s also the point in life that can be difficult for a mother because her babies are growing up and leaving the nest and that has been her reason for living for a whole lot of years. What to do? Get a therapist and/or coach, go to meetings or support your recovery. Surround yourself with good people who love you for you and will be there when you need them no matter what. Love and have patience with yourself. You’re doing the best you can with what you have.